I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
