I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
