i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
