Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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