You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
