I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
