Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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