My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
