I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize