Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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