Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
