Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
