You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
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