My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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