she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
