it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
