How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
