"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
