And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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