Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Text me some of your sweat
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
