wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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