Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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