Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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