I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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