There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
