In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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