Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
