So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
