I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize