why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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