Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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