he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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