Just took my morning after pill in the library
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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