you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
there is glitter all over my balls
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