You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
