Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I should be sponsored by Trojan
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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