So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
