I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
