I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
