GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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