and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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