Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
