if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
