I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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