I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
