glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
