How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
