He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
