i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
oh god was she eating orange peels again
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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