We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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