Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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