everyone is single if you try hard enough
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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