i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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