you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
