yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
