we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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